The Most Innovative Ways to Sneak Wine…Anywhere

Sneaking a large quantity of wine into a movie theater, a concert, a cruise ship, or your kid’s baseball game and looking to avoid detection? The CamelBak is just too obvious. Check out these innovative tools that are designed to let you smuggle your booze like a pro:

Menu Baggy Winecoat 

The Winecoat is a purse-shell for your bag-o-wine, available in Red, Black, and White for better outfit coordination. A few things to watch out for: one reviewer noted that this wine purse only holds bags from the “trendier” 3L boxes, not the old school 5L boxes. And others were unhappy that the bag didn’t come with a refillable bladder, limiting them to “lower-quality” boxed wines. Also, if you fill this up with vodka, you’ll be carrying around a regular old bag-o-death. With this purse comes great responsibility.

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The Winecoat purse.

The Winerack

The Winerack is a sports bra with a hidden secret: booze. It’s available in Small and Medium to better coordinate with the size or your rack — or your drinking habit. Hey, Winerack, what about Large and Extra Large?

The Wine Rack.
The Winerack — best logo ever?

The official product description reads like the drunken spew of a group of frat-boys — the below description has not been edited:

The Winerack every girls best friend. Turn an A cup in to double Ds and sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends. Better than a Boob Job and Cheaper Too. Not to mention the savings on over priced drinks. We developed The Winerack to Fill Out our product line if you will. The picture shown here is of our good friend Drea, who is not, no offense Drea, Well Endowed. Sporting the Winerack and Voila’ Drea’s giving Pamela Anderson a run for the money. Take a bottle of wine, a mixed drink or even a fifth of your favorite hard stuff to the movies, concerts, ball games, even PTA meetings. Sporting a rack that will turn heads and serving a beverage that will have guys standing in line for a sip of your secret stash. With simple blow into the tube it’s easy to keep that full look even as you drink from your secret stash.

This product also has one of the best Amazon reviews of all time.

The 80-Ounce Beer Belly

This is the wine purse’s masculine counterpart. I can only imagine this product would only appeal to men, because on women this would look like the 80-Ounce Disappearing Baby Belly.

Hey sexy! I love your beer belly. Wait...
Hey sexy! I love your beer belly. Wait…

This product description is another un-edited winner:

The Beerbelly brings Freedom to the Beverage. Now you can drink what you want, when you want, where you want, with no hassles and for less money. what more could you ask for? Now you can drink your favorite beverage at the movies, the ballgame, anywhere, you decide. Features:The Beerbelly consists of 2 parts; the sling, and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit up users up to 6-feet 8-inch and up to a 40-inch waist. Made of neoprene, the sling insulates and feels like skin to the touch under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of your beverage of choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch in the sling . when worn under your clothes you just look like a dude with a beerbelly, or pregnant if you’re a lady. You can use the Beerbelly to hold either cold or hot beverages. The bladder has a wide mouth opening for adding ice for Margaritas, and to simplify cleaning.

Sneaky Shorts Flexible Flask

Sneaky Shorts look both secret agent and like something that would be sold at Spencer’s Gifts. I can’t figure out how it actually works, and Sneaky Shorts isn’t helping:

The Sneaky Shorts are wearable, concealable, flexible beverage holders to carry and dispense your favorite drink at any event. The Sneaky Shorts patent pending Stay Thin technology ensures that the shorts do not buldge when filled with liquid. They hold 24oz (2 beers) and have an integrated adjustable belt. The Sneaky shorts are reusable and easy to refill and clean. The dual hoses can be cut to any length to fit you perfectly. One-size-fits-most with the long adjustable belt.Here’s how it works:

…but you’ll never find out how it works. Sneaky Shorts leaves you hanging. I imagine it goes something like this:

Sneaky shorts.
Sneaky shorts.

For everyone else…the Nalgene Bottle

I suspect (I hope?) that these products are all intended as gag gifts. If you really wanted to carry your bag-o-wine in a purse, you could just take a bag-o-wine and put it in a cheap purse or reusable shopping bag, cut a hole in the corner, and save $65. 

Besides, the best way to bring wine somewhere where you shouldn’t bring wine is in a 1L Nalgene bottle. Use a dark red or opaque bottle and no one will be able to tell if you’re carrying red wine or iced tea. It’s not great for carbonated beverages, but it’s easier to clean than a tube. Plus, carrying a Nalgene makes you look outdoorsy. “Problem” solved.

For the professional wine sneak.
For the professional wine sneak.